Chris’s Incredibly Important Thoughts on Tina Fey (aka Please God End The Writer’s Strike)

Those of you that know me know that I have some unusual tastes in women, for example I think that Helen Mirren may be the sexiest woman on earth and we all know what Katie Couric does for me, but if there is one woman that puts me over the top it is the witty little sexpot that is Tina Fey. 

 

Oh I how remember fondly my first experience with Ms. Fey, I sat there a boy of maybe 15 or 16 watching Saturday Night Live and as the weekend update section of the show began I noticed something different the normal the fat goof ball better known as Collin Quinn was MIA and in his place was this sexy brunette with those glasses.  You know the ones I’m talking about the kind an 80 year old Liberian would wear, but sexy in a slightly naughty way.  It was behind this desk that Ms. Fey became in my mind the perfect woman.  Attractive of course, but also incredibly funny and most importantly not afraid to make fun of herself.  Seeing her each week made me long to be Jimmy Fallon so that I might sit next to her engaging in witty banter.

 

Then after a few years that fantasy would change when Jimmy finally departed the show, leaving as seat open at the Weekend Update desk.  Amy Poehler would fill that chair and thus a new fantasy would be born.  No longer did I see myself sitting at the desk with Tina Fey, I saw myself on top of the desk with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler or under the desk with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  Sadly this fantasy did not last long as Tina would betray me and become pregnant.  Now it is no secret that I don’t necessarily enjoy children, so the idea that Tina would become a mother turned me off of her.  As I struggled to find someone else to fill the void left by Ms. Fey I found myself running from tv personality to tv personality looking for comfort.  But no matter how hard I searched nothing could seem to fill that emptiness inside of me.  So I decided I would have to grow up and deal with it, there was a kid involved now.  So what I said and I clicked SNL back on only to find out that Tina Fey’s days in Studio 8H were numbered. 

 

Oh I forgot to mention Mean Girls.  Lets Rewind.  So before Tina decided that it would a good idea to pop a kid, she wrote and stared in the movie, maybe you have heard if it is a little jem of a film called Mean Girls.  Now when the movie came out there was all this talk about that coke whore Lindsay Lohan but for me the true star of the movie was Rachel McAdams, but we aren’t talking about her today so I’ll just mention that Tina Fey is also incredible in the film and the fact that she wrote the movie based on a nonfiction book also amazes me, because the movie which could have been a generic comedy about high school pushed the boundaries of the teen comedy by relying mostly on the script and not gratuitous sex or violence. 

 

Ok getting back to where I left off.  Tina Fey left SNL for her own sitcom, which she would both write and star in.  At first I was so excited an entire half hour each week devoted to the girl of my dreams.  But my excitement soon fell for a couple of reasons.  The show was given the same time slot as Grey’s Anatomy, which at the time was my favorite show also Alec Baldwin was cast as Tina Fey’s co-lead.  I’m not exactly the biggest fan of Alec or any of the Baldwin Brothers.  So I didn’t tune in.  The I discovered that NBC.com was showing episodes of the show, so I spent a weekend in June held up in my apartment at Fredonia State University watching the entire first season of 30 Rock, instead of studying for my final exams.  I cannot say how much I love the show.  It is now must see tv for me and Grey’s Anatomy gets recorded. 

 

Which brings me to the writer’s strike.  I fully support the writers but I don’t know how long I can go without tv in general but especially seeing Tina Fey.  I have no desire to watch a remake of American Gladiators or a reality show based on Baywatch, and don’t get me started on the industrial sized douche bag that is Donald Trump.  I wish that the bastards at the Networks would get off their fat asses and just give in.  Please America has enough problems right now what with an idiot president, a shitty economy and a fucked-up war, we don’t need to go without watching our shows too.

 

So despite my best efforts I cannot deny the love I have for Tina Fey, while most 22 year old men long for Angelina Jolie, I say you can have that tall, skinny gorgeous woman, because my heart belongs to hot little number with a sharp wit and an incredibility sexy pair of glasses.

 

Grades:

Tina Fey: A+

Writers: A

Networks: F

Chris's Incredibly Important Thoughts on P.S. I Love You

I see a lot of movies, and I mean a lot of movies, so it’s pretty safe to assume that when I say that P.S. I Love You is the absolute worst film ever made that the film is in fact the worst film ever made.  I honestly had little desire to see this film but my sister Beth for some reason bought into the romance portrayed in the trailer and wanted to see it, so on Christmas evening I had had enough of my family and said what the hell lets zip on down the road to the shit hole movie theatre at the shit hole better known as the Chautauqua mall.  Joining us for the evening was our good friend Michael who is also someone who is more then qualified to judge quality film. 

So lets start at the beginning.  The movie opens with a couple having an argument, no credits, no indication that this is the start of the movie, for about half a second I thought that maybe the stoner in charge of the camera accidentally started in the middle of the movie.  Also the scene occurs in the bedroom of a New York apartment, which during the course of the argument we learn is a “shit hole” apartment that is too small and cramped.  Now I’ve been to New York, I have slept in New York apartment and I can tell you that this apartment is a reasonable size apartment for New York, and as far as being a shit hole could that have anything to do with fact that the couple has garbage strewn all over their apartment.  I wanted to yell at the screen and say just clean up your damn apartment.  Also during the fight Hilary Swank who plays the main character is in a skirt and bra, is the supposed to be sexy?  Here is my problem with Hilary Swank, Hilary Swank is a modernly talented actress, I like Million Dollar Baby as much as the next person, I mean who doesn’t enjoy a feel good movie about euthanasia?  But, she is not sexy, she is not funny, she is not the kind of person that you fall in love with.  So why exactly did she think she could make a romantic comedy?  Does she think she is Reese Witherspoon? Hilary Swank should stick to doing what she does best playing tough, androgens pieces of white trash.  So the fight ends and the couple has sex.  Then the movie starts.  Credits roll and then suddenly Hilary Swank’s dirty Irish husband is dead.  He has a funeral in a bar and then leaves Hilary Swank a series of letters that are going to help her move on with her life. 

That’s all fine and dandy except the director seems to think that the audience is a bunch of idiots and thinks we need a bunch of retarded flashbacks to catch us up on the couple’s history.  These flashbacks are extremely dull because we don’t really care about the loser dead husband, and we barely care about Hilary Swank.  These flashbacks are also really long.  Just when you think the move can’t get any duller or longer they send Hilary Swank and her friends to Ireland.  At this point I am seriously falling asleep in my seat.  Hilary Swanks friends are played by Gina Gershan and Lisa Kudrow, and they despite their best efforts cannot save the film.  But I have to give them props for trying.  Gina Geshan is barely ever on screen even when her character is in the actual scene and Lisa Kudrow who is the only person in the movie that even made me want to laugh.  Anyway the movie goes on and on and I feel like cutting my wrists on the sharp corner of my armrest, and then just when you think that Hilary Swank has found love with Harry Connick Jr. they decide to be just friends and then the movie keeps going.  The movie is seriously like 2 hours long, it’s a romantic fucking comedy not Gone With The Wind.  So in conclusion the movie is too long, too dull, too poorly written, too stupidly directed and Hilary Swank is too butch to play a love interest. 

Grades:

 

P.S. I Love You – F

Hilary Swank – D-

Lisa Kudrow – B

Gina Gershan – Incomplete (not on screen enough to grade)

Chris’s Incredibly Important Thoughts on The Hills

Oh The Hills, I never watched The Hills.  In fact I actually spoke publicly (i.e. among my circle of friends) about how awful it was that millions of people would tune into a show each week about where essentially nothing happens.  To make matter worse the show parades itself as “reality television” when it is clearly manipulated and edited to depict what ever story the rocket scientists over at MTV want to tell that week.  Yes, I was clearly a Hills Hater.  Then that magical week in December rolled around, no I am not speaking of Christmas, or New Years but that incredible week known as finals week.  I for one despise finals week, I for all purposes of this blog am an extreme procrastinator, which means I don’t begin studying for an exam until two days before the test date.  I know this system may not work for all but for me it is the key to my undeniable academic success.  But I digress, so I’m sitting around my flat “studying” which means I was most likely watching food network and drinking wine, when I came across a marathon of the show you know and love as The Hills.  Needless to say over the next week I watched The Hills pretty much non-stop.  In fact thank you to MTV for reairing the season finale over and over again, in fact I saw the last episode 12 times in the course of a week (I’m doubtful that even Lauren Conrad’s coke whore of a mother watched the episode that much.)  For those of you that are unfair with The Hills the show centers on Lauren a moderately attractive blond girl living and “working” in LA.  The show mostly deals with Lauren’s miraculous ability to fuck up at her job (see: Lauren turns down a trip to Pairs) and fuck up her personal life (see: Lauren fight with Heidi/Jason/Everyone [but mostly just Heidi]) at the same time. All in all Lauren comes off kind of dull.  She would be that person you are friends with because she is friends with all kinds of cool people that you want to be friends.  Those friends are the real reason to watch the show.  I myself have been tuning in just to see what is happening in the dramatic world of Lauren’s roommate/bff (that is Hills speak for best friend forever) Audrina.  Audrina is a smoking hot brunette and that is pretty much all we know about her.  Basically her entire purpose to sit and look smoking hot while listening to Lauren bitch about how mad boring her life is.   Oh and she did date/sleep with this greasy dirty guy named Johnny Bobby (seriously you can’t make this shit up).  Then there is Whitney; Whitney is the unattractive smart girl on the show.  And by unattractive I mean she still would have been one of the “hot girls” in your high school but she is clearly only in the group to make the other girls feel better about themselves.  Whitney is also the smart co-worker of Lauren who basically is the person Lauren complains to when Audrina is not around.  By smart I mean that Whitney is not so much intelligent but that she is unable to land a suitable boyfriend and therefore must appear to capable of surviving without one.  But seriously MTV where is Whitney’s Johnny Bobby?  Where is her Broody Jenner?  Hey MTV, suggestion for next season Whitney dates Sanjaya from American Idol or maybe Carrot Top.  But the real reason you should be watching this show is to follow the amazing train wreck of a relationship that is Heidi and Spencer.  Spencer is a sleezeball that you fully expect to end up in jail within the next five years and by jail I mean he will serve 28 minutes in the LA correctional facility most likely for vehicular manslaughter and DUI.  Heidi is a treasure, she is a “singer” kind of in the way that Brooke Hogan is a “singer” she also spends a ton of time planning her and Spencer’s white trash wedding.  The episode where they to find a “religious person” (that is a direct quote for Heidi) to marry them is priceless.  Its also worth tuning into to figure out what nose Heidi will have in each episode, if this is supposed to be a “reality show” shouldn’t Heidi’s nose be consistently misshaped in the episodes prior to Heidi’s nose job and consistently more misshaped after she has her nose job, just an observation.  Heidi and Lauren also don’t get along for reason’s that while constantly explained on the show, but no one actually understands, but is responsible for them going at it like retarded toddlers that are fighting over who gets to sit in the front seat.  Without their constant bickering back and forth like old hen’s the show would be a total suck fest.  As embarassed as I am that I have become addicted to this show, it has become a facet of my television viewing routine, The Hills promises to return soon to chronicle Lauren’s trip to Paris, yes the brain surgeons over at MTV decided that the French don’t hate American’s enough so they unleashed Lauren and Whitney on them.  I for one can’t wait, I know you can’t either.

 

Grades:

The Hills: B-

Lauren: C

Audrina when she is speaking: C+

Audrina when she is not speaking: A-

Whitney: C-

Spencer: D+

Spencer acting like and Asshole: B+

Heidi: Solid B

Chris's Incredibly Important Thoughts on Alicia Keys

There are many things I love in this world, for example I love to watch fat people at buffet restaurants or Asian people at amusement parks, but if there is one thing that I love more then most other things is that very special day that occurs about every four years or so when Jesus, I mean Alicia Keys graces the world with a new album.  November 13^th of this past year was one of those magical days.  I myself think of these days as something of a holiday, usually dropping whatever it is I had planed and running to my nearest music retailer to pick up my copy of Ms. Keys’s latest masterpiece.  This time around I was forced to wait until I finished a particularly grueling day of graduate school before I could run out to get my fix.  The day, which included a ridiculous presentation on Universal healthcare, was so long and arduous (That is a word that means difficult for all of you reading this that are not Kirsten Paine) but at the same time it was kind of like foreplay.  But enough about that day let me muse a bit on the brilliance of As I Am.  I have to admit I was worried because in early September when Alicia dropped her new single No One I was shall we say underwhelmed to say the least.  Not that the song is bad but when you look at her previous singles it baffles me that people think that this is her best work.  Regardless of my thoughts on the first single not purchasing the album was never an option.  The album cover is an incredible close up black and white beauty shot that far exceeds any of the photos taken by the “models” and I use that term loosely on America’s Next Top Model.  The photo which in my mind is hotter then most of the pornography I have seen lately is only the window dressing however as the cd itself is by far Keys’s greatest accomplishment to date.  Opening with a subtle yet enchanting piano interlude that blows into the token “done me wrong song” better known as Go Ahead.  Now in a interview I heard Alicia say that this song is not about a scorned woman as the lyrics suggest but her unrest with the current state of the world at the hands of an inept American government.  So ok maybe I don’t buy that 100% but I have to give props to anyone that attempts to turn a club banging jam about getting dick-around by your baby daddy into a anti-George Bush protest song.  The album moves onto a couple of average Alicia Keys tracks before moving into a stretch of masterpieces.  Starting with the current single Like You’ll Never See Me Again (which have you seen the video for yet, if not youtube that shit now) Keys delivers song after song of classic R&B that recalls the music of the mid to late 70s (In other words a world very much like now with a dumb president and a stupid war, but with a lot more weed).  Next comes Lesson Learned one of the album’s two standout tracks.  Lesson Learned is a slow burning collaboration with John Mayer (More Incredibly Important Thoughts on him to come later I’m sure) This is how it is done, people should take notes this is called music (Ashlee Simpson – Not Music, Brittany Spears – So Not Music) The other standout on the album is Teenage Love Affair an upbeat romp through the excitement of first love, this song for me has become the mainstay of my iPod and is frequently responsible for my recently elevated mood.  In other words this song is like Paxil but without the sexual side effects.  Yes regardless of how low my mood is for example after having to test other people’s urine for drugs or deal with Dr. Nut-Job Kingson’s class I can pop this song on and instantly I’m flying high.  So basically if you don’t own the album yet go buy it, its more then worth it.  We all know that Keys is a genius and just do it you know you want to.

 

Grades:

Alicia Keys: As I Am = A