Chris’s Incredibly Important Thoughts on The Hills

Oh The Hills, I never watched The Hills.  In fact I actually spoke publicly (i.e. among my circle of friends) about how awful it was that millions of people would tune into a show each week about where essentially nothing happens.  To make matter worse the show parades itself as “reality television” when it is clearly manipulated and edited to depict what ever story the rocket scientists over at MTV want to tell that week.  Yes, I was clearly a Hills Hater.  Then that magical week in December rolled around, no I am not speaking of Christmas, or New Years but that incredible week known as finals week.  I for one despise finals week, I for all purposes of this blog am an extreme procrastinator, which means I don’t begin studying for an exam until two days before the test date.  I know this system may not work for all but for me it is the key to my undeniable academic success.  But I digress, so I’m sitting around my flat “studying” which means I was most likely watching food network and drinking wine, when I came across a marathon of the show you know and love as The Hills.  Needless to say over the next week I watched The Hills pretty much non-stop.  In fact thank you to MTV for reairing the season finale over and over again, in fact I saw the last episode 12 times in the course of a week (I’m doubtful that even Lauren Conrad’s coke whore of a mother watched the episode that much.)  For those of you that are unfair with The Hills the show centers on Lauren a moderately attractive blond girl living and “working” in LA.  The show mostly deals with Lauren’s miraculous ability to fuck up at her job (see: Lauren turns down a trip to Pairs) and fuck up her personal life (see: Lauren fight with Heidi/Jason/Everyone [but mostly just Heidi]) at the same time. All in all Lauren comes off kind of dull.  She would be that person you are friends with because she is friends with all kinds of cool people that you want to be friends.  Those friends are the real reason to watch the show.  I myself have been tuning in just to see what is happening in the dramatic world of Lauren’s roommate/bff (that is Hills speak for best friend forever) Audrina.  Audrina is a smoking hot brunette and that is pretty much all we know about her.  Basically her entire purpose to sit and look smoking hot while listening to Lauren bitch about how mad boring her life is.   Oh and she did date/sleep with this greasy dirty guy named Johnny Bobby (seriously you can’t make this shit up).  Then there is Whitney; Whitney is the unattractive smart girl on the show.  And by unattractive I mean she still would have been one of the “hot girls” in your high school but she is clearly only in the group to make the other girls feel better about themselves.  Whitney is also the smart co-worker of Lauren who basically is the person Lauren complains to when Audrina is not around.  By smart I mean that Whitney is not so much intelligent but that she is unable to land a suitable boyfriend and therefore must appear to capable of surviving without one.  But seriously MTV where is Whitney’s Johnny Bobby?  Where is her Broody Jenner?  Hey MTV, suggestion for next season Whitney dates Sanjaya from American Idol or maybe Carrot Top.  But the real reason you should be watching this show is to follow the amazing train wreck of a relationship that is Heidi and Spencer.  Spencer is a sleezeball that you fully expect to end up in jail within the next five years and by jail I mean he will serve 28 minutes in the LA correctional facility most likely for vehicular manslaughter and DUI.  Heidi is a treasure, she is a “singer” kind of in the way that Brooke Hogan is a “singer” she also spends a ton of time planning her and Spencer’s white trash wedding.  The episode where they to find a “religious person” (that is a direct quote for Heidi) to marry them is priceless.  Its also worth tuning into to figure out what nose Heidi will have in each episode, if this is supposed to be a “reality show” shouldn’t Heidi’s nose be consistently misshaped in the episodes prior to Heidi’s nose job and consistently more misshaped after she has her nose job, just an observation.  Heidi and Lauren also don’t get along for reason’s that while constantly explained on the show, but no one actually understands, but is responsible for them going at it like retarded toddlers that are fighting over who gets to sit in the front seat.  Without their constant bickering back and forth like old hen’s the show would be a total suck fest.  As embarassed as I am that I have become addicted to this show, it has become a facet of my television viewing routine, The Hills promises to return soon to chronicle Lauren’s trip to Paris, yes the brain surgeons over at MTV decided that the French don’t hate American’s enough so they unleashed Lauren and Whitney on them.  I for one can’t wait, I know you can’t either.

 

Grades:

The Hills: B-

Lauren: C

Audrina when she is speaking: C+

Audrina when she is not speaking: A-

Whitney: C-

Spencer: D+

Spencer acting like and Asshole: B+

Heidi: Solid B